the mood’s only starting to lighten up now. i thought i would feel liberated after the experience. i was only thinking – try everything cos we only live once. but unexpectedly we were both such great pretenders.  we shoulda chosen to meet somewhere else.

however awkward things are now, i have learnt one thing – i don feel the same way anymore. guess all the pain has hardened me. the old me would probably be completely dysfunctional and distracted for days because of the post-meetup absence. now im just adapting – learning to live 2 separate lives. learning to segregate the part of me that desires from the part that faces the world each day.

i’ve basically been dissecting the whole meetup, nitpicking at bits of memory in my brain. trying to find little clues to hint of any leftover affection. but seemingly there was none. the whole process was somewhat lacking – not in operational steps, but in the ‘feel’, the end result.  satisfaction – there was none to speak of really.

but it would have been ok if i just felt nothing. the worse part is im feeling numb about everything – work life fam. jokes that use to make me laugh till my sides ache can barely bring on a smile now. ppl that used to make my heart skip a beat rarely capture my attention oft late. fortunately, this moroseness is almost over. why do i believe so? simply cos i can actually enjoy being alone now!

half-smile – there is light at the end of the tunnel! =)

2009 is 3 months old. and i can honestly say that i have been 100% hardworking cos I haven taken a single day of MC, haven applied for a single day of leave (if you count only the successful ones)… i  should be given a medal of honour or sth!

however such is the sad fact of life. the more capable you prove to be, the more work you will be loaded with. which is good i suppose but still… it’d b nice to have someone commend you for your hard, quality work BEFORE they load you with more burdens!

im hoping for the day when clarity will befall me. when my vision will be clear as the blue sky. when i will know what the hell i want to do with this life. and i pray for clarity to arrive before it is too late. before i turn 30 and regret what i have done / been doing with my life.

it be great to know exactly whether i will have to be independent for the rest of my life or that i will have someone trustworthy and kind to depend on. no matter how much equality we have, it is always nice to know there is someone to spend the rest of your life with. someone to walk down the path of life with me.

at least if i know that i will have to be independent, i can narrow down my future to 2 simple paths:

A. Spend everything I earn since I don’t need to plan for my children’s education.

B. Be stingy and miserly to hoard many many money so I can live in the lap of luxury and be a wealthy TAI TAI like Mrs B! Possibly when Im 86 I might just decide to give $1bn prize to whoever has the ability to bring me to gspot high at that ripe old age?! HA!

So yea if any of you out there know anyone who can give me some pointers on what my life will be like… please drop me a comment i will be eternally grateful!

the pace of my real life has accelerated tremendously over the last few months that I have not paid much attention to my cyber persona. truly sorry and i deserve it if none of you read here anymore… )=

some updates -

work’s been superb… busy but fulfilling… i have never felt so alive before!
im becoming more perceptive of things and people and my emotions on the whole. when i see people, i can place them into categories now. categories of good or bad people. categories of half full or half empty glasses. categories of people that i will like or people that will irk me. i’ve even reached a new high – i know what type of girls i will be attracted to IF i were a boy!

its funny how just a yr ago, i was lost and confused. yet here i stand now, with battle scars, but finally attaining some sort of peace in my head. i have a place where i belong now. i have a vision of the kind of life i want to lead in future. and i will be holding on to that. cos it is all that i have to keep me going. it is all that i have to keep me sane. it is all that will ground me when i become giddy with love once again.

we must remember – couple love isn’t everything. it might be sweet it might be heartwarming it might bring tears to your eyes. but only in stories can giddy teenage love persevere into old age. in reality, people get married out of convenience, out of commitment, out of fear of being lonely, out of ‘the time is right’ concept. love is a spark that does not last.

n now i know exactly what type i like. which is why i know with full certainty that my life will be… an unmarried one. and im absolutely cool with it…. until my friends start to get married 1 by 1… we’ll talk about it when things come to pass…

i hate loneliness.. yet i hate being in crowded places.

if ever a day were to come where i have NO FRIENDS to turn to when i feel lonely i might very well overdose on sleeping pills and die.

but what if… i end up in limbo as punishment for suicide. i’d b lonely for eternity!!!!!

sigh i think too much. imagine too much too.

super super super have the hawts for him even after so long. i am such a freak.

and guess what’s the freakiest bit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i think he feels the same way too just that he’s afraid to show it cos of the way things r now! long story lah but freaky isn’t it!

today i watched a science documentary about love and chemistry being nothing more than a chemical reaction. apparently, the more sex you have with your partner, the more you will develop an emotional attachment to them, not because the sex is good, but because the act of intercourse and cuddling before n after releases certain feel-good endorphins that we all love. as time goes by, we associate these good feelings with that particular person and we misinterpret it as ‘i cannot live without him’.

in reality, its not that you cant live without him. its more that you cant live without that feel-good feeling. i wished i watched this show earlier!

i used to think we make love cos we really love that person lots. but experts say – sex makes you fall in love with that person, so if you don’t want to fall in love with him/her, don have sex! obviously, the more sex you have, the more in love you will be. talk about a vicious cycle..!

sigh i need to find my perfect man – the one who has a healthy balance of niceness and excitement. =) he can untidy or a neat freak, doesn’t matter so long as he loves me and can give me butterflies in my stomach even when im 50.

how i miss him so! sigh… exactly 2 years ago today, i was counting down the days left until we had to part.

yet i must know that the man i love, so much that needles seemed to shoot up every nerve endings in my body whenever he came to mind, is no longer the man he is today or when we last met.

or maybe i was just in love with the person i thought he was that i didn’t see the person he really is – distant and self-centred.

or perhaps that’s why i loved him so. i wanted to fix him so badly, wanted him to believe in miracles, wanted him to experience one himself.

you know, i still want to love him. i still want to hold him and make him (and possibly myself) believe that our lives will be so beautiful and happy together. but how can i do that when he doesn’t want me anymore? when he’s no longer in my life?

i miss the way he smells after a shower, after a cigarette, after riding, after cooking, after making love. i miss the way he feels when we touch, when we hug, when we kiss. i miss his voice, his funny antics, his lousy jokes, his ogre grin. i miss being able to slip my hand so easily into his, to fall into step beside him, to listen to him critique our lunches n dinners, to run my fingers through his hair, to kiss the tip of his nose, to fit my fingertip into the crease of his dimple, to lay in his arms while we sleep. i miss frowning at his chewed nails, at his musty-smelling shirt, at his torn jeans, at his ferrari engine snore, at his bullying of Adidas.

i was 21 when we met and fell in love. we were over when i was 22, and now at 23 i can still remember the little details as tho it only happened yesterday. the time i met him grocery shopping – he looked so boyish. that handsome look – etched in my memory forever. but he doesn’t look like that anymore. during the year we were together, he seemed to have aged way too much, became so much more weary, tired, hateful of the world. was it my fault?

for certain its been a year and more since the relationship ended but the love hasn’t stopped. when is it time to come to terms with the fact that i am not enough to heal him, that i am not what he needs anymore, and perhaps he is not the one for me? i don know… all i do know is i will still pray to see a happy caramel a few years down the road – even if its with someone else in tow.

funny how if we weren’t meant to be, why was he able to touch me so deeply? every time we r together / when i yearn for him / when i reminisce our times together, i just wished time would stop and the world would cease to exist so that it will jus be the two of us in each other arms. i want to be his, yet i know it stresses him out like shit to think of a future with me. he’s afraid that he cannot provide for him, that he will disappoint me… i am afraid that i won’t measure up too but don’t we all just try our damndest and pray for the best?

its been a while since i last posted… not that many ppl r following my blog anyways heh..

i still occasionally miss the boy… i still wonder how he is every now n then… but the feeling ebbs quicker now.. n i don feel the heartbreaking pangs that much anymore whenever he does smth that hurts.. either i’ve grown stronger or he’s attempts to inflict pain has weakened…

at any rate… im glad for the new lease of life work has provided me. its nothing much but its exciting nonetheless and makes me feel like a useful member of society…

however i think some of his hurt is permanent and takes a longer time to heal. whether he means it or not, he has made me highly suspicious of the ppl around me. i thought i was over it until recent incidents related to money have proved otherwise.

the short of the long is that he apparently got into a bit of a financial mess due to the recent bouts of economic crisis and has approached me for a loan.  ME of all ppl… the one he ditched rather ruthlessly…

now most girls with any common sense would not loan him the $. of cos i didn’t.. my inner economic sense spoke rather loudly you see for he has yet to make good any of his previous ‘loans’ … the one that irked me the most was our supposed ‘getaway’ that never happened but somehow my $500 did not return to me after almost 10 months since the getaway cui-ed…

what happened? i really don’t know and i’d rather not ask any further… i tried to get it back n he always said he would but then this crisis happened… do i want to throw another stone into his already sinking boat? what good would that do me? so i left my stone untouched hoping some day that he would return my $… or  maybe one day i will be earning monumental sums of $$ such that $500 is small change then its all good…

anyway back to his request for a loan. i turned him down as tactfully as i could n it really showed up his true colours.. previously when he thought i could help, he was nice n polite.. sweet even… but the min i said no, he stopped contacting me, and when i tried to express concern over his predicament, he was curt n almost near rude..

perhaps this really shows his true nature, his ugly side, which sent a cold wind through my heart: are humans all like that? can there ever be true innocent love? or will modern day love always be overshadowed by this looming cloud of economic distrust and suspicion..?

more specifically: r the men i adore all of this type of character / calibre? r they all jerks to begin with? am i destined for less than perfect or loneliness for the rest of time?

hell i’d rather choose singlehood over the former.. at least i know i’d b a swingingly cool / rich / beautiful single without a worry in the world… loneliness heck i will learn to deal… in fact i think im doing a pretty good job of enjoying my alone time… =)

dragon looms.. i wish he would beckon for me…

isit better to kill myself or kill myself?? how can i keep my mouth shut and secrets to myself? omg some friends are never meant to be. no allegiance to anyone, no love lost, no feelings of remorse. why are there such people in this world?! my mind is a whirl now. isit really true that no one can be trusted? if so, life is bloody lonely then i’d rather not live anymore.

LEARN WOMAN LEARN! trust the right people or trust no one but yourself. sigh i hate to admit this but Caramel u were right i guess i still got lots more to learn about this harsh world.

Men r nothing but trouble to constantly guess what they r thinking, what makes them tick. i can never grasp it. my heart is cold and gray from all this conniving talk and distrust and deconstruction of the true meaning of love and commitment.

isn’t love just a simple game for 2? when did it become a game of giving the other party enough space and not being irritating/possessive…? if you love each other, you’ll want to spend time with each other but u don want to spend too much time?! if i love you i shouldn’t disturb u? huh? but if i don what kind of relationship are we in?

sigh and yet i kno if i were in that position i wouldn’t want someone to keep hounding me and making me feel guilty for not giving you time either… but i needs to feel important to you! how am i considered important if i don hear from you for weeks on end if u prioritise your work before me, is this really what life is like when in love? 

bahhh…if being single can keep me worry-free then i’d rather b single forever.

been wee bit under the weather for the past couple of days. slept for 2 continuous days until i woke up on saturday brimming with energy, raring to go out. of course, i had nowhere to go since i didn’t make any plans. and the only activity i had on saturday i had to turn down cos it involved little babies who are more vulnerable to little viruses and bacteria that i might still be harbouring in my post-recovery period.

sad little me… pffttt….

but of course no one really feels sad when they are practically bouncing around on energy balls. i just happily rolled around the house, tuned into my favorite shows until headaches started bang down the walls of my skull. so i climbed into bed for an afternoon siesta – one of my many favorite slacking activities (which coincidentally contributes to my fat ass).

however it was prematurely intercepted by a phone call which totally brightened up my day – the most important phrase in the whole conversation was : “…YOU WANT TO GO SHOPPING?” – i wasn’t tired anymore tho the headache was still there. it couldn’t stop me from bounding right out the door.

out i have been for the latter part of the day until now. and all i bought was an eyelash curler. but im still a happy bunny *tweep tweep*

its never meant to be. the type of people i go for – male and female are the type that i’ll never last with. the best friends i had, that i fell out with, are the ones that i couldn’t bear to let go. the further they drifted, the harder i fought to keep them close. and ultimately it came to naught.

same goes for the men. the indecent, tattooed, smoking bad boys. they r the kind you cannot keep in a cage. they are the kind that cannot be controlled. they are the kind that cannot give security cos they need so much personal space that sometimes it feels like they are not there.

i suppose i need to change my taste before i get into my next r/s. i also need to learn how to live with myself, to be independent, to not let my mood b dictated by the other. no doubt i have appealing looks. but i do not have the skills to retain these men. maybe im just too open too nice. men just want to be abused and ignored to be in love. sigh… the irony of life…. pffft…

read this article to know why.. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1063752/Treat-mean–Big-pants-sex-months-One-mans-fail-safe-tips-winning-man-dreams.html