Mr A is the one I like but he does not like me.

Mr B likes me but not enough to break away and be with me.

Mr C adores me but I cannot say the same the other way round.

After all the above encounters, I get thoughts like ‘even the ugliest, most useless man strays, so whats the point of being attached?’ or ‘he’s not good enough for me’ and then I run away from every possible commitment.

Life just enjoys throwing such curveballs my way.

I get my lonely bouts once in a while, thankfully they seem to be getting less and less of late.

we still talk like normal, but perhaps i am being oversensitive, i feel he is super cutting down on hanging out with me alone. and if we hang out in a group, he always keeps a distance. why must he do that? for my sake or his?

i feel this big void between us which i don’t know how to fix. all i can do is ignore it and try my best to reach him, but he chooses to wall himself up when im near him. =(

i still want him as a friend. i enjoy his company, enjoy his crappy jokes, enjoy his silly facial expressions and his grouchiness. Most times, i try my darndest to keep him in perpetual grumpiness just for entertainment. But now i don’t get this kind of chance anymore cos he is distancing himself from me.

What should i do? should i tell him to stop acting weird, or should i just leave him be and hope he comes to realise one day that having him as a friend makes me more than happy?

last night was unreal. i was simultaneously imagining how things will be like if i didn’t tell him. would he be more at ease if he didn’t know? would i have enjoyed his company more? but last night was actually quite enjoyable. i never felt more popular in the last 2 years. i was acting non-chalant. like i didn’t care. but actually i was stealing glances at him occasionally, hoping last night will help him realise that I LIKE HIM but not to the point of OBSESSION. i can still function like normal with other friends, with other guys.

but can i really? ha.. i was supposed to go out tonight, but i was just not in the mood. and im not in the mood because i didn’t get to speak to him today.  

ppffftt… i don wan him to be uncomfortable. perhaps i should give us some time apart. like not speak to him anymore for a while. sigh the thought jus sucks… =(

i wonder what possessed me to forget what i wrote in my previous post and commit the cardinal sin of IMAGINING THINGS and SAYING STUPID THINGS. gosh somebody should just shoot me before i shoot myself.

but if i could turn back time, would i?

honestly – i wouldn’t.

i don’t regret what i did, i mean its my style its me… just too bad that all men r weirdos who just love question marks in their relationships whilst i do not. it either is or is not. there is no maybe. if its a maybe to you, then its really a big fat no.

if there was any regret, it was the timing. i should have waited. but would the outcome have been any different? u knew he was a narcissistic fool yet you chose to fall for him. u also knew he’s sexuality was a question mark yet u chose to fall for him. u had all this knowledge which u didn’t employ in your decision making and look what happened…

yet, was love meant to be a game of logic? the books always make it seem irrational n all about the FEEL. rahhh i should stop reading trash. n stop having an itchy backside to always find out the truth. sometimes its better to not know…

dear diary,

i am very sad today. i finally accept that my new interest doesn’t find me interesting anymore. its so saddening and i feel absolutely foolish. i thought i saw all the right signs. like he was the one to approach me, he was the one to always text me first, he was the one always doing silly things n saying funny things to make me laugh. i bloody didn’t even consider him until he started talking to me on a regular basis.

yes he’s irritating at times, yes he’s terribly childish at times and yes he’s absolutely mean w words at times. but then there’s like this other soft side to him. the side that will show concern to a female colleague going home alone late at night. the side that will be gentlemanly and carry the heavy stuffs. the side that will bother to reply texts promptly with sincere  replies. the side that will offer to pick u up on the way and send you home after, the side that will share secrets and sit very close till our bodies touch.

so thinking that i seen all the signs, i take the initiative too and meet with all kinds of stupid walls. like  for instance watching a movie. initially he will say ok, then now he completely refuses to watch w me. or for instance lunch/dinner, initially he will approach me to dine together but now he also completely refuses dining alone w me. or for instance going home, initially he will ask if im leaving too so we can leave together. it is absolutely frustrating. my girlfriend says he was toying with my feelings. n now that the thrill is gone, he’s not interested anymore. @#$#%^

i want to speak to him. i want to confront him. but what would be the result of that?? nothing good… so i shall just let it slide and stop initiating contact lor. what to do just suck thumb lah n remind myself not to be so zealous n over-excited and misread things the next time. HAIZ what a short spring fling this turned out to be manz… i was hoping for something more long term, more stable but i ended up with a short stick… SIGH.

i think i like him. cannot even begin to fathom why except that i am really really attracted. he’s completely not the type that excites me AT ALL. average height, slight built, fair and very cheeky and playful like a little boy. but im totally sold on him. >.<

i suppose on a subconscious level i’ve always had a good feeling toward him. seeing him always cheers me up. then last tuesday the love bug hit. or rather made its presence more apparent.

my first instinct was to declare to the world. like how the impulsive me will normally behave. i resisted the urge and now… i am in a place with 10 million worries. shit
and the top 3 on the list..
1. most important, does he like me too?
2. will i regret my choice later on?
3. will parents like him? (i think they might on the basis that he’s harmless, but they might also find him kiddish… tho i think they won’t mind so long as he’s a good person) –> update 15/03/10 : yes the parents definitely would, cos i just found out recently he is freaking rich… like omfg rich and only son. which could be a potential obstacle… hmm…

n i really believe he’s a good person beneath the merciless teasing n the mean remarks. at least he’s got good upbringing so he’s naturally gentlemanly n he makes me feel safe! *guess those powerful-looking biceps help haha…

i don hav answers to #1 and #2 yet. so this time i am so keeping this secret under wraps. no one must know. ever. cos once bitten twice shy. it happened b4 with da wei. a completely good friendship lost. so this time, if im not sure of how he feels, i will not show anything. i will really be terribly sad to lose him as a friend. i am quite sure that if he knew, he wouldn’t know how to react around me anymore and that would be the end of anything good between us.

ps: in case ur wondering.. dragon is now in the question mark zone cos i don see him anymore so i think the feelings are kind of slowly dying… ):

i hope to develop the good habit of writing regularly again. its a therapeutic way of releasing pent up frustrations and thoughts i cannot share with anyone.

time flies. n ppl hav moved on. especially the ex. yea he got married. but he’s a two-timing asshole lah. cos if my math is still any good, he’s wife was probably preggers when we were still sort of together. i’d like to believe i came first. but honestly i don know. n i will probably never find out. hell not as if the answer will be anything delightful to hear.

i don like him anymore. but i still feel irritated when i hear about how he is now. how he has a family of four. happy or not i don know. of cos wishing the worst of his family makes me feel better. occasionally i will indulge myself in imagining his fugly fat blob of a wife who looks more like a maid than wife - stupid n ignorant. and then i will think of his children -  growing up like poor low class kids. then i will think of the whole family – cramped in a one room flat with little food to eat. and YES i achieve temporary relief. but the taste of defeat still lingers.

when was it a competition anyway? sigh.

i still hate how he two-timed so well n without guilt. i hate how i was twined around his little finger like a puppet made to smile or cry at his fancy. and all the time, i fully trusted him. trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me.

sometimes i get bitter and i wonder why other ppl r so fortunate to meet good guys n why the first man i love turned out to b so rotten. yet other times, i am thankful to be dissolved of all naivety. there are bad people in this world n i had the chance to realise that while i still have plenty time on my side to make a better life. to look forward.

work is most important to me now. yes it can get stressful at times. n there is no one to run to when i need a hug or some words of encouragement. but i don’t feel sorry for myself. i believe i can give myself the comfort i need. i am independent n i will deal with whatever comes my way on my own be it good or bad.

tdy a great bomb of news fell in my lap at the office. it was utterly shocking. worst than hearing about dragon leaving. i feel so exposed now. but i’ll learn to deal with it. i always do. that’s one my strengths.

well it doesnt always work. i literally crumpled when he left. that was a bad period. i guess i don have the necessary mechanisms to deal with emotional stuff. so im steering clear of them.

i still have this crazy adoration for dragon though. and i honestly don kno why. he’s not that good looking or friendly or helpful. in fact he’s more menacing than my primary sch chinese teacher. but i am just helplessly drawned to him like the opposite poles of a magnet. damnit.

the mood’s only starting to lighten up now. i thought i would feel liberated after the experience. i was only thinking – try everything cos we only live once. but unexpectedly we were both such great pretenders.  we shoulda chosen to meet somewhere else.

however awkward things are now, i have learnt one thing – i don feel the same way anymore. guess all the pain has hardened me. the old me would probably be completely dysfunctional and distracted for days because of the post-meetup absence. now im just adapting – learning to live 2 separate lives. learning to segregate the part of me that desires from the part that faces the world each day.

i’ve basically been dissecting the whole meetup, nitpicking at bits of memory in my brain. trying to find little clues to hint of any leftover affection. but seemingly there was none. the whole process was somewhat lacking – not in operational steps, but in the ‘feel’, the end result.  satisfaction – there was none to speak of really.

but it would have been ok if i just felt nothing. the worse part is im feeling numb about everything – work life fam. jokes that use to make me laugh till my sides ache can barely bring on a smile now. ppl that used to make my heart skip a beat rarely capture my attention oft late. fortunately, this moroseness is almost over. why do i believe so? simply cos i can actually enjoy being alone now!

half-smile – there is light at the end of the tunnel! =)

2009 is 3 months old. and i can honestly say that i have been 100% hardworking cos I haven taken a single day of MC, haven applied for a single day of leave (if you count only the successful ones)… i  should be given a medal of honour or sth!

however such is the sad fact of life. the more capable you prove to be, the more work you will be loaded with. which is good i suppose but still… it’d b nice to have someone commend you for your hard, quality work BEFORE they load you with more burdens!

im hoping for the day when clarity will befall me. when my vision will be clear as the blue sky. when i will know what the hell i want to do with this life. and i pray for clarity to arrive before it is too late. before i turn 30 and regret what i have done / been doing with my life.

it be great to know exactly whether i will have to be independent for the rest of my life or that i will have someone trustworthy and kind to depend on. no matter how much equality we have, it is always nice to know there is someone to spend the rest of your life with. someone to walk down the path of life with me.

at least if i know that i will have to be independent, i can narrow down my future to 2 simple paths:

A. Spend everything I earn since I don’t need to plan for my children’s education.

B. Be stingy and miserly to hoard many many money so I can live in the lap of luxury and be a wealthy TAI TAI like Mrs B! Possibly when Im 86 I might just decide to give $1bn prize to whoever has the ability to bring me to gspot high at that ripe old age?! HA!

So yea if any of you out there know anyone who can give me some pointers on what my life will be like… please drop me a comment i will be eternally grateful!

the pace of my real life has accelerated tremendously over the last few months that I have not paid much attention to my cyber persona. truly sorry and i deserve it if none of you read here anymore… )=

some updates -

work’s been superb… busy but fulfilling… i have never felt so alive before!
im becoming more perceptive of things and people and my emotions on the whole. when i see people, i can place them into categories now. categories of good or bad people. categories of half full or half empty glasses. categories of people that i will like or people that will irk me. i’ve even reached a new high – i know what type of girls i will be attracted to IF i were a boy!

its funny how just a yr ago, i was lost and confused. yet here i stand now, with battle scars, but finally attaining some sort of peace in my head. i have a place where i belong now. i have a vision of the kind of life i want to lead in future. and i will be holding on to that. cos it is all that i have to keep me going. it is all that i have to keep me sane. it is all that will ground me when i become giddy with love once again.

we must remember – couple love isn’t everything. it might be sweet it might be heartwarming it might bring tears to your eyes. but only in stories can giddy teenage love persevere into old age. in reality, people get married out of convenience, out of commitment, out of fear of being lonely, out of ‘the time is right’ concept. love is a spark that does not last.

n now i know exactly what type i like. which is why i know with full certainty that my life will be… an unmarried one. and im absolutely cool with it…. until my friends start to get married 1 by 1… we’ll talk about it when things come to pass…

i hate loneliness.. yet i hate being in crowded places.

if ever a day were to come where i have NO FRIENDS to turn to when i feel lonely i might very well overdose on sleeping pills and die.

but what if… i end up in limbo as punishment for suicide. i’d b lonely for eternity!!!!!

sigh i think too much. imagine too much too.

super super super have the hawts for him even after so long. i am such a freak.

and guess what’s the freakiest bit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i think he feels the same way too just that he’s afraid to show it cos of the way things r now! long story lah but freaky isn’t it!