how i miss him so! sigh… exactly 2 years ago today, i was counting down the days left until we had to part.

yet i must know that the man i love, so much that needles seemed to shoot up every nerve endings in my body whenever he came to mind, is no longer the man he is today or when we last met.

or maybe i was just in love with the person i thought he was that i didn’t see the person he really is – distant and self-centred.

or perhaps that’s why i loved him so. i wanted to fix him so badly, wanted him to believe in miracles, wanted him to experience one himself.

you know, i still want to love him. i still want to hold him and make him (and possibly myself) believe that our lives will be so beautiful and happy together. but how can i do that when he doesn’t want me anymore? when he’s no longer in my life?

i miss the way he smells after a shower, after a cigarette, after riding, after cooking, after making love. i miss the way he feels when we touch, when we hug, when we kiss. i miss his voice, his funny antics, his lousy jokes, his ogre grin. i miss being able to slip my hand so easily into his, to fall into step beside him, to listen to him critique our lunches n dinners, to run my fingers through his hair, to kiss the tip of his nose, to fit my fingertip into the crease of his dimple, to lay in his arms while we sleep. i miss frowning at his chewed nails, at his musty-smelling shirt, at his torn jeans, at his ferrari engine snore, at his bullying of Adidas.

i was 21 when we met and fell in love. we were over when i was 22, and now at 23 i can still remember the little details as tho it only happened yesterday. the time i met him grocery shopping – he looked so boyish. that handsome look – etched in my memory forever. but he doesn’t look like that anymore. during the year we were together, he seemed to have aged way too much, became so much more weary, tired, hateful of the world. was it my fault?

for certain its been a year and more since the relationship ended but the love hasn’t stopped. when is it time to come to terms with the fact that i am not enough to heal him, that i am not what he needs anymore, and perhaps he is not the one for me? i don know… all i do know is i will still pray to see a happy caramel a few years down the road – even if its with someone else in tow.

funny how if we weren’t meant to be, why was he able to touch me so deeply? every time we r together / when i yearn for him / when i reminisce our times together, i just wished time would stop and the world would cease to exist so that it will jus be the two of us in each other arms. i want to be his, yet i know it stresses him out like shit to think of a future with me. he’s afraid that he cannot provide for him, that he will disappoint me… i am afraid that i won’t measure up too but don’t we all just try our damndest and pray for the best?