i hope to develop the good habit of writing regularly again. its a therapeutic way of releasing pent up frustrations and thoughts i cannot share with anyone.
time flies. n ppl hav moved on. especially the ex. yea he got married. but he’s a two-timing asshole lah. cos if my math is still any good, he’s wife was probably preggers when we were still sort of together. i’d like to believe i came first. but honestly i don know. n i will probably never find out. hell not as if the answer will be anything delightful to hear.
i don like him anymore. but i still feel irritated when i hear about how he is now. how he has a family of four. happy or not i don know. of cos wishing the worst of his family makes me feel better. occasionally i will indulge myself in imagining his fugly fat blob of a wife who looks more like a maid than wife - stupid n ignorant. and then i will think of his children - growing up like poor low class kids. then i will think of the whole family – cramped in a one room flat with little food to eat. and YES i achieve temporary relief. but the taste of defeat still lingers.
when was it a competition anyway? sigh.
i still hate how he two-timed so well n without guilt. i hate how i was twined around his little finger like a puppet made to smile or cry at his fancy. and all the time, i fully trusted him. trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me.
sometimes i get bitter and i wonder why other ppl r so fortunate to meet good guys n why the first man i love turned out to b so rotten. yet other times, i am thankful to be dissolved of all naivety. there are bad people in this world n i had the chance to realise that while i still have plenty time on my side to make a better life. to look forward.
work is most important to me now. yes it can get stressful at times. n there is no one to run to when i need a hug or some words of encouragement. but i don’t feel sorry for myself. i believe i can give myself the comfort i need. i am independent n i will deal with whatever comes my way on my own be it good or bad.
tdy a great bomb of news fell in my lap at the office. it was utterly shocking. worst than hearing about dragon leaving. i feel so exposed now. but i’ll learn to deal with it. i always do. that’s one my strengths.
well it doesnt always work. i literally crumpled when he left. that was a bad period. i guess i don have the necessary mechanisms to deal with emotional stuff. so im steering clear of them.
i still have this crazy adoration for dragon though. and i honestly don kno why. he’s not that good looking or friendly or helpful. in fact he’s more menacing than my primary sch chinese teacher. but i am just helplessly drawned to him like the opposite poles of a magnet. damnit.
