so now im in a lull / dilemma. i’ve been home all day like a comatose patient. after eating i feel like sleeping again. but i kno tonight is the night to be out and about cos its saturday!

yet im lazy to go out having been so snug n comfy all day! n clubbing isn’t my forte. -_- but that’s where everyone who is anyone is on a saturday night like this! particularly someone tres tres special…

who probably isn’t very interested in me but well that’s another story altogether eh…

…so i realise why i cannot be in a successful loving relationship.

if only i started out early maybe i wouldn’t be so immature in love

immature in wanting to spend every minute with each other

we burn out when we work too much

more so when we work our r/s too much too..

the logic fits – see less n yearn more!

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oh man i don deserve a r/s if i cannot be independent enough to deal when this empty space hits me… i hate it.   don i always fuck up the show with the little needy psycho-phobic behaviour.

the first thing i ought to learn – to deter myself from opposites who really just belong to the fantasy realm, not the real world. learn woman learn be brave and face the music tomorrow. urgh don i just hate myself for doing stupid things. control control control!! and learn to deal with loneliness. surely everyone faces it but do u see them crumbling from being too lonely?? i think not. so if they can do it, u can do it too! X_X

damn sleepy shall make this short.

think he knows.. well he ain’t the only 1 in da loop haha..

tat’s bad huh… like if he knows n he doesn’t take any action means no interest right… hmms sigh… boo…

so if no interest why does he always pretend i don’t exist when he obviously saw me…? why does he sneak little glances at me when he thinks im not looking.. why so many whys?!

urgh men r such cowards beneath their posterior… i totally think its worth a shot so long as the other party is interested… life is so short why worry bout this and that n let your one soul mate slip through ur fingers..?

furthermore in this conservative world we live in, women r never meant to make the first move yet i have! however subtle… i have! n he refuses to engage prob cos he’s reputation’s at stake… like he has to keep this cool man attitude… n hanging out with me is absolute taboo!

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had a really weird dream that literally made me jump out of bed late this morning. it was such a morbid and scary dream of sadistic self-mutilating people who enjoy putting themselves through pain and torture.

it was like living in the world of ‘SAW III’ or something. i had ‘live’ telecast of people being put in torture chambers of nails and knives and hammers. the most vivid image was of a middle aged, middle sized, caucasian lady who willingly lay (almost naked mind you – save for a metal face mask) sandwiched between 2 beds of nails being compressed together and hammered repeatedly on the surface by another unidentified individual.

absolutely depressing.

what was worse was I thought she would come out looking like a mincement corpse but magically she stepped out grumpily complaining that the torture was not painful enough to satisfy her. as i watched her past me i spotted 3 bloody points forming a straight line across her back where the nails had pierced through her flesh – and it wasn’t painful enough you say?!

absolutely morbid.

my sunday was destroyed the minute my eyelids fluttered open – pffft!

its a slow discovery about who i really am inside. the things i am learning now some people probably already learned eons ago..

mysterious people always seem to attract me. the less i know about them the more i want to know! i guess i’ll end up like the cat curiosity killed unless i learn how to stop myself from being tempted.

at any rate, the desire to know more has been quelled by time and work. i don’t crave as much to see but the visual treat still brightens up my day at times. the visuals fuel my imaginative mind, giving me much fodder for more fantastical creations in my mind.

but the dermacation between reality and fantasy is much clearer to me now. what i imagine stays in my head and will not desire to become reality. one of the things i’ve learnt is to control that desire. just because i want it to happen doesn’t mean that it should happen or that i should force it to happen.

if it happens it happens, if not than life still goes on. perhaps now that i’ve got work to focus on, love just takes a backseat. sometimes i want it, sometimes i don’t.

all i need now is my next month’s pay and my credit card and i’ll b a happy office worker.

for some strange reason i have been very happy the past few days… nothing big went on tho… its just same ol’ work n weekends past in relatively similar fashion as always albeit the terrible gloomy weather…

but I FELT VERY VERY VERY HAPPY!

still feeling very happy now.. perhaps it has something to do with a certain new product i am using now… read the contents label n realised it aids in the release of an endorphins molecule.. hmm mayb that’s why i seem to always be on perpetual cloud nine..

HAPPY! a few things to jot down:

1. work’s been awesome. still doesn’t feel like work cos im always outside. talking to people in departmental stores is like having fun. altho i do get scolded every now n then by idiotic people, i am generally well-liked by my fellow colleagues.. so that’s good i suppose

2. ppl in my habitat also warming up which is a good sign. im glad to be accepted nearer, if not into, the circle of trust. my bosses are nice and friendly my colleagues r warm. the work is alot n busy but super fulfilling i am sure. plus i am more than willing to stay back in office hahahaha… someone’s so gonna kill me for having said that…

3. a close friend just shared wonderful news that sweetened up my day majorly. she deserves all the love she is getting at the moment. i feel so happy for the little piece of love on her ring finger. and like all humans, i do feel a slight tinge of envy so i pray my turn comes soon soon soon… i hope n pray hard hard that i will find my one love… but are my expectations too high?

4. last but not least… i have awesome loving friends that more than make up for the singlehood im experiencing right now.

HAPPY HAPPY LOVE LOVE

and so i am one step closer to the phrase ‘i am in my mid twenties’ eeks! it is mighty scary to think this way..

this year is a year of many firsts – first time i worked on my birthday; first time i bought and collected my own cake; first time i bought a $100++ cake; first time i celebrated with a bbq NOT org by myself; first time i celebrated with a room of people out of which i only know half or less of them; first time i had a bday treat + gift (and probably the only time) from boss; and most importantly – first time my close friends (or at least those i thought were my close friends) forgot about my birthday. AND first time i had FB messages from semi-close friends wishing me happy birthday, much to my surprise.

nevertheless im happy. i think i spent my day really meaningfully with my newfound friends n long-lost relatives and the imaginary conversations i have with my perfect love. what does it matter if that one person didn’t bother to send well wishes? it just goes to show my judgment (however lagged) of his character and decision to leave him was right. n so that makes the best gift ever that the Lord has given me in all my life. the gift of true clear sight and redemption for swaying from His side once in the past.

in His name, i pray for better days ahead and more truthful sincere men to come my way.

lily did an incredible thing today. something she has not done in years!!! n as with all her past attempts… murphy’s law always strikes!! all that planning came to naught the minute the phone was passed over to someone else..

but lily’s still happy cos it wasn’t an entire failure. at least lily knows strawberry shortcake remembers her. so all her trips down by the alley was not in vain. n she has managed to quell the little ball of nerves building up inside that has been torturing her all night..

~happyhappy~ like her little bumble bee..

lately i have been mixing with people out of my usual social circle and i have gained a whole new world of experience i never used to have because of my sheltered life. these people are what we label the bad boys and girls in yesteryears. but in today’s era, they are pretty much the kind of people that will survive any societal revolutions because they are more street smart and adaptable to change.

i’ve learnt and understood alot of things from mixing with them. most importantly the dynamics of my past relationships in general.

i always thought people in a relationships truly and madly love each other. but really that isn’t the case. its more about emotional security and commitment to one another. u don’t necessary have to love each other deep deep or with a burning passion. all you need is to commit to caring for each other and integrating into each other’s life in order to achieve a happy r/s.

girls my age are also more for dating than settling for one guy. we 2 time 3 time 4 time without guilt cos its like shopping. u need to find the right fit before u make a purchase. these r clever girls. i must learn to be smarter. i guess i was too devoted in my past r/s when i should have been more playful. he must have thought i would be playful hence he selected me perhaps cos he wanted to play around too. sigh i should have known and been more suave and not wear my heart on my sleeve.

alot of the girls i mix with now are young and married. perhaps that’s why divorce rates r going up no? but they shop more than girls in the past shouldn’t they make a better choice? hmm i guess that’s what affluence does to you huh… makes u want only the best and unsatisfied with the rest.

i’ve also gained a deeper insight into the ‘underbelly’ of ‘man-hunting’. its funny really but being stationed where i am, i get to see alot of people passing by. men women children local foreign ugly handsome tall short fat skinny. basically ALL kinds of people. i like to study them like subjects – observing the stuff they are browsing through, the things they say, the people they are with, the clothes they wear, the bags they carry. i really enjoy it.

im glad to be at a place i like being in. im glad to have a variety of eye candy around to feast my eyes upon. i have learnt to live for the moment rather than in anticipation of the future cos really nothing lasts forever and people always disappoint. the only person that can live up to my expectations is myself cos if i aim for something i will do my best to achieve it. unlike some people who never fail to disappoint.

when it comes to love, i no longer feel the stabbing pity of loss. i guess this means i am really over him. but can u really be over? my thoughts do return to our memories once ever so often. when i see couples locked in a tight embrace i feel like im part of the loving moment. for that split second i can feel myself in the arms of my loved one and loving back with a ferocious intensity and it makes me happy. it makes me contented. it makes me satisfied. n the split second is gone in the blink of an eye. welcome back to reality.